Curb Your Enthisiasm

[Sunny Los Angeles day.  Larry and Jeff walking on the sidewalk on their way to get a cup of coffee]

Larry:  You know we always have something to bullshit about.  It’s nice

Jeff:  Yeah

Larry:  It is, because there are people, and I would venture to say, a lot of people, who really have nothing to say, you know, nothing to talk about.

Jeff:  Talking is good.

Larry:  Talking IS good.  What’s not to like about talking?  It is very communicative.  It really is a great way to communicate a feeling to somebody else.  It’s better than hand gestures, they can be confusing.

Jeff:  Well, there’s one hand gesture I’m sure you understand very well

[Gives Larry the middle finger]

Larry [laughing]:  Oh yeah, I know that one very well.  I think that was invented so the people who don’t like to talk very much can still communicate with me.

[Walk into the starbucks]

Larry [Standing in line for coffee]:  I wonder what the quadriplegic deaf person does.  How do you think he is able to do the whole sign language thing?

Jeff:  You wonder about this?

Larry:  Yeah, I really do.  I mean, he’s deaf, right, so he needs his hands so he can say, maybe, get me some food [motions with his hands].  But if he is a quadriplegic, it must be very difficult.

Jeff:  You know, I wouldn’t worry about this…

Larry:  Because he can see you move your hands and understand what you are saying, but he can’t respond.  You could really take advantage of that.  [To no one in particular]  Hey, buddy, can I borrow five dollars [motioning with hands] Oh, well, he doesn’t seem to have a problem with that…[pantomimes removing 5 dollars from the wallet]

Jeff:  There’s probably an organization for quadriplegic deaf people

Larry:  Right, the OFQDP

Jeff:  Yeah, right, the OFQDP, they take care of things like this…

Larry:  [Sees sign next to bathroom] Huh, would you look at that

Jeff:  What?

Larry:  That sign on the bathroom says, “For restaurant patrons only”

Jeff:  Yeah, so

Larry:  Well, it’s a bathroom.  Why should you make a purchase to use the bathroom?

Jeff:  So there aren’t people who come in off the street looking to use the bathroom.

Larry:  Oh, right, like there are thousands of people roaming the street, gangs of people walking around with full bladders, liable to start shitting and pissing at any moment, to drown the city in a sea of disgusting filth unless they can get to the nearest lavatory immediately

Jeff:  [simply shrugs]

[It’s their turn to step to the register and order]

Larry:  Okkkkaay.  Okkkkaaay.  [in his Larry voice] mmm..so many choices.  How do I make such a difficult choice.  [Back to regular voice].  I think that I’ll have a tall coffee

Barista:  Ok sir [Goes to prepare the order]

Larry:  Wait, wait, I’m not done…with, do you have any of the fluffy milk?

Barista:  Yes sir we do

Larry:  Ok, with that.  And some sugar.  [To Jeff]  I really like the fluffy milk.  It makes me feel like I am one of the elite.  [To barista]  Hey, let me ask you a question.

Barista:  Yes

Larry:  Is the bathroom reserved specifically for patrons?

Barista:  Yes, sir, that’s what the sign says

Larry:  Yes, I know that’s what the sign says, but I just thought it might be a mistake of some kind

Barista:  Why would it be a mistake?  The sign was printed and put up there.  It is no mistake

Larry:  Well sign makers make mistakes all the time

Barista:  No they don’t, sir

Larry:  Oh really, well do you know any sign makers?

Barista:  No I don’t, sir

Larry:  Well then how do you know if they make mistakes or not?

Barista:  I don’t, sir, but in any case, that is the policy that only patrons can use the bathroom.

Larry:  Well that seems like a pretty capricious policy if you ask me

Barista:  Well I’m sorry, sir, but that’s how it is

[Stares at her for a minute]

Larry:  Okay, thanks for the coffee

[Jeff and Larry leave the shop and are standing on the sidewalk]

Larry:  Listen, I have to meet Cheryl here.  We are going shopping for her dinner party tonight.  You and Suzie are coming, right?

Jeff:  Yeah of course, wouldn’t miss it.

[Cheryl walks up]

Cheryl:  Hi Jeff

Jeff:  Hi Cheryl.  Can’t wait for the party.  I gotta run, but I’ll see you guys later.

Cheryl:  See you.  [To Larry]  Thanks for coming shopping with me

Larry:  Of course why wouldn’t I?  There’s nothing I love more than to spend the day with my lovely wife, while she’s shopping and comparing, making sure our humble home is presentable to the guests. So who’s coming to this thing?

Cheryl:  Well, let’s see, Jeff and Suzie, Ted and Mary, my friends Shelly and Steve are coming with their two kids.

Larry:  Shelly and Steve?

Cheryl:  Yeah, you know.  Shelly is from my environmental group.

Larry:  Oh, and I also invited Eric from down the street.

Cheryl:  Oh, really, you did?

Larry:  What, is that a problem?

Cheryl:  It’s just that, every time he comes over, he always brings that hot sauce and puts it all over everything.

Larry:  So, he likes the hot sauce

Cheryl:  Yeah, but I work really hard to make a good meal, and, I find it a little insulting

Larry:  Insulting, oh come on, it’s not insulting.  It’s a condiment.  Condiments aren’t insulting.  They’re neutral.  Maybe if he added cheese or fried it, then that would be insulting.  It would change the characteristics of the dish.  Salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard – they were developed so that people who go to dinner parties can personalize their meals to their own tastes without insulting the host

Cheryl:  Oh really

Larry:  Oh yeah, years ago a war almost broke out between two kingdoms when one kingdom insisted that the food that the other kingdom was serving was too bland.  The condiment was created as part of the treaty to provide an insult-free way to spice up a platter.

Cheryl:  Okay [In her, I’ve-had-enough-of-this-ridiculous-banter tone of voice]

Larry:  The Treaty of Worcestershire

Cheryl:  Alright

[Walking into the store] 

[Larry, browsing the wares]

Larry:  These stores really amaze me.  The fact that there is an entire store devoted just to the dinner party.  It’s really fascinating.  Look at this, a whole wall of table cloths.  Dishes, forks, serving sets… wow, look.

Cheryl:  What?

Larry:  $125 for a serving spoon.

Cheryl:  Well, it’s a nice spoon.  It’s very ornate.

Larry:  Yeah, well, what could you possibly be serving that you need to spend $125 on a ladle?  The Pilgrims bought Manhattan for less than that.    

[Walks up to the cashier]

Larry:  So do you go to a lot of dinner parties?

Cashier:  Some, yes.  Why?

Larry:  Well, you work in a store devoted to educating people about dinner parties.  I would expect that you attend many yourself just to stay up to date on the newest trends.

Cashier:  Actually, I really can’t stand dinner parties.

Larry:  Really?  Huh.  A self-hating cashier.  Very interesting.  You don’t find many of those.

Cashier:  Yeah, I find them really uncomfortable.  What with all of the small talk.

Larry:  Kind of like what we’re doing right now

Cashier:  Yeah, kind of

Larry:  So this conversation is uncomfortable for you

Cashier:  Yes, I guess it is

Larry:  Well you are in luck because I have to use the bathroom.  Do you have one here?

Cashier:  No, I’m sorry.  We don’t

Larry:  [Walks over to Cheryl]  Listen, I have to use the bathroom, and they don’t have one here.  I’m going to run next door to the coffee shop.

Cheryl:  Okay

[Larry walks next door to the coffee shop, and goes to use the bathroom.  The barista is wiping off one of the tables]

Barista:  Excuse me, sir, what are you doing?

Larry:  I’m going to use the bathroom.

Barista:  [Pointing to the sign]  I’m sorry, but the bathroom is for customers only

Larry:  I am a customer.  I was in here earlier.  Remember, the fluffy milk?

Barista:  Yes, but you left the store.  If you would like to use the bathroom, you have to make a purchase.

Larry:  But I made a purchase already

Barista:  But you left the store, sir.

Larry:  So what?  I went next door to shop.  Is there a threshold I am not allowed to cross?  Some sort of boundary where, if breached, all bathroom privileges cease?  What if I step outside to make a call subsequent to my purchase, and then I come back in?  Can I not use the bathroom then?

Barista:  You can.  But you left the store and went somewhere else.

Larry:  So my time expired?  There’s an expiration on this?

Barista:  Yes sir, I’m sorry, but there is.

Larry:  How about this:  If I come here with my friend, but only he makes a purchase and I don’t, can I use the bathroom then?

Barista:  Of course

Larry:  But I didn’t make a purchase

Barista:  But your friend did

Larry:  Yeah, well what if my friend has to use the bathroom as well?

Barista:  He can do that

Larry:  So you’re saying that I can come in here with a whole party of people, and as long as one person so much as buys a Danish, we all have unlimited bathroom privileges, provided we do not break the threshold while we’re here?

Barista:  Well…

Larry:   Ok, listen.  I came in earlier and made a purchase.  But I didn’t use the bathroom when I was in.  So, effectively, I have one credit good for one flush.  I have a flush owed to me.

Barista:  I’m sorry but to use the bathroom you have to make a purchase.

Larry:  You know, this is really insane.  I was in here earlier and I bought coffee.  I didn’t have to use the bathroom then.  But after drinking your coffee, I have to go.  I think that it is incumbent upon this store to provide me adequate facilities to relieve myself.

Barista:  Sir, if you’d like to buy…

Larry:  Ok, ok.  Forget it.  I’ll go somewhere else.

[Larry leaves the coffee shop]

[Back in the store with Cheryl.  She is buying her goods.]

Larry:  [Points to a knick-knack by the register]  Is that…oh, sorry, not going to make small talk.

[Cashier smiles faintly, in acknowledgement, not in laughter]

Larry:  It’s not really small talk, though, for me to ask you a question about one of the products.  That actually falls within the job description.  It’s a fine line really.  If we start talking about this product, but then segue off-topic, then we’ve entered into small talk.  But small talk is really when people talk for the sake of filling up time, and you and I, presumably, would be having a legitimate discussion about this other topic.  So, really, even though we don’t know each other, we could avoid small talk all together.  That’s pretty good, huh? [Looking at both Cheryl and the cashier, pleased with himself]

Larry:  [To the cashier] I’m Larry by the way, what’s your name?

[In the car, driving with Cheryl]

Cheryl:  Ok, we just have to go to this one last store so I can get the pot roast.

[As they walk in the store]

Larry:  I’ve still got to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back.

Cheryl:  Okay

[Larry walks to the back of the store, and there is a line for the bathroom]

Larry:  [To a clerk who works at the store]  Excuse me

Clerk:  Yes?

Larry:  How come so many people are in line for the bathroom?

Clerk:  Oh, they are probably from the park next door and needed to use it.

Larry:  Really?  You know, most stores have a policy against non-customers using the bathroom

Clerk:  Oh no, not us.  I think that is a silly policy.  Why should people have to pay to use the restroom?

Larry:  Well, I must say [in his negotiating voice] my wife is actually, uh, a customer here.  So I think that I should get bumped to the head of the line.

Clerk:  Oh, I’m sorry sir, but that’s not our policy.

Larry:  But we’re buying from your store.  We should be rewarded for that.

Clerk:  I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait in line like everyone else

Larry:  [as the clerk is walking away]  It’s not right.  Buyers should get preferential treatment. 

[Comes out of the bathroom and sees the same brand of coffee as the coffee shop.  Goes over and purchases a cup, then walks over to where Cheryl is]

Cheryl:  Wow, another cup of coffee?

Larry:  Yeah, I know, I’m really guzzling these things down. 

Cheryl:  You are.

Larry:  It will help me stay awake for the dinner party tonight.  It will keep me focused to make sure that there is not even a dull moment.  No awkward pauses, no small talk, this dinner party is going to flout all of the stereotypes associated with dinner parties.

Cheryl:  Oh is it?

Larry:  Yes it is.  There will be a lot of flouting.  It is going to be an exciting, vivacious, happening dinner party with no small talk, no awkwardness and no stories about people’s children.  They’re going to end up writing about it in the dinner party encyclopedia

Cheryl:  Boy, that’s some good coffee

Larry:  Indeed

[Driving home from the store.  Passes the coffee shop that he has already been in twice that day.]

Larry:  You know what, I’m pulling over real quick.

Cheryl:  Why?

Larry:  I’m going to use the bathroom.

Cheryl:  Didn’t you just go in the store we were just at?

Larry:  Yeah, but I have to go again.

[Walks into the coffee shop holding his half drunk cup of coffee and moves triumphantly toward the bathroom]

Barista:  Excuse me, sir, where are you going?

Larry:  I am GOING to the BATHroom.

Barista:  I’m sorry, sir, but you have to make a purchase here to use the bathroom

Larry:  Oh I did make a purchase from your fine establishment, as exhibited from my partially consumed cup of coffee.  I made my purchase and now, as a valued customer of [COFFEE CHAIN], I am going to use the bathroom

Barista:  We can’t allow you to use the bathroom.  We don’t know if you actually purchased this, or if you just filled it with coffee in order to use the bathroom

Larry:  Are you serious?  Do you really think that I would subversively enter your store with other coffee?

Barista:  Yes, sir, you might

Larry:  Are you crazy?  Who would go through the trouble just to use the bathroom?  I bought this coffee from one of your establishments, and I should be able to use the bathroom.  It’s like a rental car:  you pick it up from Avis in Chicago, and you return it to Avis in Milwaukee.  I bought this coffee in Pasadena, and I am using the bathroom here

Barista:  I’m sorry, but we have no way of knowing if you bought that from us. 

Larry:  You’re out of your mind with your restroom rules.  I’ll have you know that I was in a market in Pasadena and they let anybody use the bathroom.  They are civil over there.  They don’t treat people like this.

[Flustered, he leaves the shop]

[At home, he and Cheryl are finishing up preparations for the dinner party.  The doorbell rings.  In walk Jeff and Suzie, Ted and Mary]

[Larry, standing with Jeff and Ted]

Larry:  You know, twice today I was in the coffee shop, and they wouldn’t let me use the bathroom

Ted:  Well, did you purchase any coffee?

Larry:  I did earlier, but apparently my time expired

Ted:  Huh

Larry:  I actually think this an anti-Semitic policy

Jeff:  How is this anti-Semitic?

Larry:  Who uses the bathroom more than the Jews?  When we’re preparing to leave, right before we leave, once on the way to where we’re going, when we get there.  Jews are always in the bathroom, going to the bathroom, coming from the bathroom.  Every time Jews see the inside of a house, they are always marveling at the size of the bathroom and the number of bathrooms.  

[Doorbell rings and Eric walks in]

Larry:  Hey, Eric.  Ted, Jeff, this is my neighbor Eric

Eric:  Hi, good to meet you.  Hey Larry, look what I brought [pulls out the hot sauce]

Larry:  Oh yeah, the hot sauce

Eric:  Yeah, you mind if I put it on the table where I’ll be sitting?

Larry:  Sure.  Hey, Eric, let me ask you a question.  What’s with the hot sauce?  Every time you come here, you bring the hot sauce.  Why is that?  Are you Hispanic or something?

Eric:  Well, honestly?

Larry:  Yeah, honestly, you can say whatever you want.  I am not easily offended.

Jeff:  No he’s not.  In fact, he’s the one often doing the offending.  He’s pretty offensive.

Larry:  Isn’t that interesting.  When one is offended he gets defensive, and then becomes offensive by going on the offensive to defend himself.  Really blows your mind.

Eric:  Okay, the reason I bring the hot sauce is… [leans in and whispers] I don’t like Cheryl’s cooking.

Larry:  Huh

Eric:  Yeah, I find it to be very bland.  I just don’t want to be insulting, so I put hot sauce on it.  To be honest, I think it would be better if she would melt a piece of cheese on it.  It would really change the characteristic of the dish.

Larry:  Yes it would

[Eric goes toward the table and the doorbell rings.  Enter Shelly and Steve with their two kids, one of whom is the barista from the coffee shop and the other who is in a wheel chair.  Cheryl walks over to greet them]

Cheryl:  Hi Shelly, Steve.

Shelly:  Hi Cheryl, thank you so much for inviting us.  This is our daughter Marissa, and our son Zach. 

Cheryl:  Hi Marissa, Hi Zach

Steve:  Oh well, Zach’s actually deaf

[Larry mouths to Jeff ‘Deaf Quadraplegic?’  Jeff, wide-eyed, shrugs his shoulders questioningly]

Larry:  Hi, I’m Cheryl’s husband Larry

Steve:  Hi Larry

Larry:  You know, I took an American Sign Language class many years ago.  I still remember a few signs.  Hello, goodbye, I’m hungry.  That might be useful for tonight.

Steve:  Yes it might

Larry:  [To Marissa, the Barista]  And I believe no introduction is necessary here

Steve:  Oh you two know each other?

Larry:  We do.  We do. [Nodding his head with a half smile on his face, partially laughing]

Cheryl:  Okay, we can all sit down

[Larry is seated at head of table with Eric on his left and Zach on his right]

Shelly:  [To the women at the table] And Zach really is a very smart boy.  It’s amazing what he has taught himself to do, despite his disabilities.

Mary:  Oh that’s great.  That’s so wonderful to hear of such perseverance in the face of adversity.

[Zach turns to Larry and makes a motion with his hands that Larry doesn’t understand.  Shelly notices]

Shelly:  Oh Larry, can you help him please.  Thanks.

[Shelly turns back to the conversation.  Larry, confused, tries to figure out what he wants.  Then he spies the hot sauce]

Larry:  [To himself] Oh, I guess, he wants some hot sauce.

[As he turns to see if this is the case, Zach is signing with Marissa.  Larry removes the cap and liberally applies on Zach’s plate]

[Zach takes a bite of food.  Starts freaking out]

Shelly:  Oh my gosh what’s wrong?  Are you okay?

[Commotion at table, everyone gets up to see Zach]

Steve:  [sees the hot sauce next to the plate]  Hey, did someone pour hot sauce on his food?

Larry:  I did.  I thought he wanted it.

Suzie:  What are you fucking nuts?  You put hot sauce all over a poor deaf kid’s food.  Are you mental Larry?

Larry:  [Getting defensive and agitated]  What?  He was motioning. I thought he wanted hot sauce.

Suzie:  He didn’t want hot sauce you fucking psycho.  Are you trying to kill him?

Larry:  He did this [makes motion that Zach made earlier]

Steve:  Yeah, that’s the motion for salt, Larry, Jesus!

Larry:  I didn’t know that.  I didn’t know that the American Sign Language Institute created a whole separate set of hand signs for the quadriplegic.

Shelly:  They didn’t, Larry, he had to create them on his own.  [Looking at the others] He’s such a smart boy

Larry:  Well if he is so smart, he should have showed me the proper hand signals so this mess could have been avoided.

Steve:  Ok, you know what, that’s enough.  I think we should just go.  Zach has had enough.

[Cheryl standing at the door as the family is leaving]

Cheryl:  I’m really sorry about this again.

Shelly:  He’ll be ok, thank you

Cheryl:  Ok, have a good night

Larry:  [As the couple is walking out the door] Again, I’m really sorry about the hand signaling thing, it’s just that I really only knew one language of signing, and, even that, not very well.  My signing is very limited, kind of like my knowledge of Spanish.  Hola, gracias, de nada, yo soy Larry David, de donde eres…actually, my Spanish is pretty good.  Tu padre es muy guapo.  Much better than my signing…

Cheryl:  Ok, Larry, that’s enough

[Go back to the remaining couples in the den]

[Outside, as Zach is being put in the car]

Barista:  You know what, I am going to run and use the bathroom before we go.

[Walks back inside the house.  Larry sees her walking toward the bathroom]

Larry:  Whoa, whoa.  What are you doing?

Barista:  I’m going to use the bathroom.

Larry:  Uh, excuse me, I’m sorry, but I don’t think that is possible

           

Barista:  What?

Larry:  I’m afraid to say this, but I don’t think that I can let you use the bathroom right now.

Barista:  Why not?

Larry:  You see, the bathroom is only for current party attendees.  While we appreciate your presence earlier at this party, we regret to inform you that usage of this bathroom is restricted to those currently engaged in socializing.  If you would like to stay and converse, perhaps indulge in some pie and after dinner coffee, I’d be happy to allow use of the commode. Otherwise, I regret to say that I must reserve it for active guests.

[Larry, smiling and red faced, nodding his head in that, “sorry, but I gotcha” kind of way. Shot of the barista before going back to Larry, who shrugs in a “there's really nothing I can do, the rules are the rules” fashion]

[Cue outro music of tuba and mandolin]

[FIN]